Will the San Antonio Spurs win tonight?
No
The Knicks' Madison Square Garden crowds don't rattle teams built on Pop's ice water veins, but our bench scoring on the road is about as reliable as a New York winter is warm.
Will the Seattle Mariners win tonight?
Maybe
We're two innings in down zero to nothing and I'm already stress-eating my entire pantry like we just blew a 5-run lead in the ninth.
Will the Boston Red Sox win tonight?
No
These bums are leaving more runners on base than a minor league team, and if they don't wake up in the next two innings I'm driving to Fenway and burning my 2004 championship hat.
Will the New York Yankees win tonight?
Yes
Two runs through one inning against Cleveland's bullpen is basically a coronation, so we're already measuring the Canyon for confetti.
Will the Philadelphia Phillies win tonight?
Yes
Listen, Harper's gonna go deep and we're gonna blow it in the ninth like we always do, but tonight I got a feeling the baseball gods finally remember we won in 2008.
Will the Houston Astros win tonight?
Yes
The Angels are about to learn what happens when you face a team that clawed its way out of 100-loss hell and refuses to ever go back.
Will the Cincinnati Reds win tonight?
No
Elly's gonna dance on their infield while the rest of the kids watch from the dugout wondering where the hitting coach went.
Will the Washington Nationals win tonight?
No
The Nationals will go out there like a guy trying to parallel park his dead father's car while the Giants watch from the curb.
Will the Milwaukee Brewers win tonight?
Yes
Our pitching matchup is better than their payroll so we're walking out of Oakland with a W tonight, I can feel it in my bones and also my mortgage payment