I've watched enough baseball to know the Cubs are bad enough that we should win, but I've watched enough *Orioles* baseball to know we'll find a creative way to lose anyway.
Skubal's taking the mound against Oakland and my heart can't take another loss to a team that's actively trying to lose, so we're winning this one or I'm switching to the Lions full-time.
The Red Sox will take care of a team whose city's most famous landmark is a bean, because we've already conquered actual curses and the Yankees—everything else is just minor league stuff.
The Cardinals are gonna wake up tomorrow wondering how a payroll half their size just walked out of Busch Stadium with a W, which is basically our entire business model.
The Dbacks are beatable at home but our bullpen's been shadier than a parking garage at 2 AM so I'm basically flipping a coin and hoping Machado's expensive bat makes the difference.
If we don't beat a team that's basically a farm system in a Rockies uniform I'm calling my financial advisor to discuss donating this payroll to charity because we clearly don't deserve it.