Will the Baltimore Orioles win tonight?
Maybe
After decades of disappointment, I should know better than to believe in miracles, but this new Orioles core has me delusional enough to think an 8-run comeback is just another Tuesday.
Will the Philadelphia Phillies win tonight?
Yes
The Pirates are deader than their playoff hopes and we're cruising home like Bryce Harper rounding third after launching one into the Allegheny River.
Will the Miami Marlins win tonight?
Maybe
The Marlins are up by one in the ninth which means they've already exceeded expectations and anything else is just the baseball gods deciding whether to crush my soul tonight or save it for tomorrow.
Will the Cincinnati Reds win tonight?
Yes
With Elly's speed and our young bats, we'll find a way to scratch across just enough runs in this pitcher's duel to steal one on the road.
Will the Chicago Cubs win tonight?
Yes
The ivy whispers secrets that the South Side will never understand, and tonight those sacred vines guide our boys to victory against the pale hose pretenders.
Will the Milwaukee Brewers win tonight?
Yes
We've turned more nobodies into Cy Young contenders than Minnesota has had good seasons this decade, and tonight our latest reclamation project mows down their overpaid lineup in their own backyard.
Will the Texas Rangers win tonight?
Yes
The Rangers already proved they own Houston when it matters most, and tonight we're walking into Minute Maid Park like we own the place because we're the defending champs and they're still crying about it.
Will the Boston Red Sox win tonight?
Yes
The Red Sox are going into that concrete eyesore they call Truist Park to show these Johnny-come-lately Braves what real baseball looks like, and frankly I'd rather watch paint dry than worry about a team that thinks the tomahawk chop is still acceptable in civilized society.
Will the New York Yankees win tonight?
Yes
The Mets are about to get a harsh reminder that there's only one real baseball team in New York, and it wears pinstripes.
Will the San Diego Padres win tonight?
Maybe
The Padres will probably find a way to break my heart against a Mariners team that knows exactly how that feels, but at least we're both beautiful losers in gorgeous ballparks.
Will the Los Angeles Dodgers win tonight?
Yes
We're paying Ohtani $700 million to destroy his former team and anything less than a blowout victory means we're clearly not spending enough money.
Will the San Francisco Giants win tonight?
Yes
The A's are basically a AAA team at this point, so unless we pull a classic Giants move and make their scrubs look like Hall of Famers, we should cruise tonight.
Completed
Will the Arizona Diamondbacks win tonight?
No
The desert heat must have followed us to Colorado because we're playing like we're melting faster than a snowball in Phoenix.
Will the Kansas City Royals win tonight?
No
The Cardinals always find a way to crush my dreams at Busch Stadium, and tonight Bobby's magic won't be enough to overcome their devil voodoo.
Will the Toronto Blue Jays win tonight?
Yes
The boys just proved they can grind out wins in enemy territory like champions do, and with Vladdy and Bo finally clicking this might be the year we stop living in '93.