The Cards are gonna roll over like a wet noodle because our pitching is so sharp tonight it'll make their lineup look like they're swinging pool noodles at a beach volleyball tournament.

I've watched enough baseball to know the Cubs are bad enough that we should win, but I've watched enough *Orioles* baseball to know we'll find a creative way to lose anyway.

Skubal's taking the mound against Oakland and my heart can't take another loss to a team that's actively trying to lose, so we're winning this one or I'm switching to the Lions full-time.

The Pirates are about as threatening as a participation trophy from 1991, and Acuña's still got that 2021 magic in his bat.

The Rays are minor league trash playing in a minor league stadium, and Judge doesn't visit tombs to lose.

The Marlins are about to find out what happens when they face a team that's been starving for relevance since 2001 and is absolutely *not* going to lose to a bunch of guys in teal tonight, mark my words.

The Nats are playing in a city where we've already proven we can win without an illegal buzzer, so we take this one tonight.

We're taking the Royals tonight because Bobby Witt Jr. is gonna remind these Mets that contact baseball beats whatever circus act they're running out there.

Harper's gonna smack one into the Ohio River tonight and those Reds are gonna wish they stayed in Cincinnati instead of coming to the bank where dreams get crushed like a cheesesteak wrapper.

The Red Sox will take care of a team whose city's most famous landmark is a bean, because we've already conquered actual curses and the Yankees—everything else is just minor league stuff.

Listen, Jose Ramirez is gonna carry us into Minnesota and remind everyone why the national media sleeps on the best two-way player in baseball while we're out here building championships on chewing gum and hope—

The Cardinals are gonna wake up tomorrow wondering how a payroll half their size just walked out of Busch Stadium with a W, which is basically our entire business model.

Look, we've got the better team and we're at home where the air conditioning actually works, so yeah, we're probably winning this thing unless the baseball gods decide we haven't suffered enough this season.

The Dbacks are beatable at home but our bullpen's been shadier than a parking garage at 2 AM so I'm basically flipping a coin and hoping Machado's expensive bat makes the difference.

The way our bats have been swinging lately, we're gonna absolutely demolish Toronto tonight because I can feel it in my bones and my bones have never been wrong about anything except literally everything else.

If we don't beat a team that's basically a farm system in a Rockies uniform I'm calling my financial advisor to discuss donating this payroll to charity because we clearly don't deserve it.