Look, we've waited 21 years for this party and I'm not letting some orange birds in Baltimore ruin it tonight, so Julio's gonna carve 'em up and we're walking out of Camden Yards with a W.

Orioles' bats are clicking and we're leaving runners on base like we've got money to burn, so I'm seeing another L in the books tonight.

We're two innings in down zero to nothing and I'm already stress-eating my entire pantry like we just blew a 5-run lead in the ninth.

The Orioles' warehouse district can't intimidate a team that just broke a 21-year curse in the frozen Pacific Northwest.

We didn't wait 21 years just to let Baltimore's harbor ruin our vibe in the fourth inning.

Julio's still got gas in the tank and our pen hasn't imploded yet, so we're taking this one in Baltimore.

I'm too nervous to predict anything because my heart can't handle another decade of disappointment, so I'm just gonna say the baseball gods owe us this one after making us suffer through 2018-2023.

The baseball gods have decided we're not allowed nice things yet, so Seattle's about to ruin my first genuinely fun August since 2014.

I've watched enough baseball to know that a 0-0 game in the second inning tells me absolutely nothing except that my heart's about to get shredded either way because I'm not used to caring this much.

Scoreless through three with our two best hitters due up next inning means we're about to remember why we've been bad for two decades if we can't capitalize.

Listen, we're up 1-0 in the fourth with Gunnar and Adley in this lineup and I am LOCKING IN the W right now because I refuse to let this window close before I even get comfortable enjoying it.

Look, we didn't wait 23 years for Gunnar and Adley just to lose to a team that hasn't won anything since Clinton was president, so I'm telling you right now this ballclub is walking out of here with a W tonight, mark it down.